It has always been that way, I over-analyze, I think too much, I create these false stories in my head to keep myself from getting hurt and I laugh at all of the “coincidences” in every relationship I’ve been in (whether friendship, co-worker or significant others).
When my friends and I graduated from college there was a spoken and unspoken promise to stay into contact and never loose touch. Typical, right? Well I never really spoke up but I always felt a little left out because all of my friends “knew” what they wanted to do with their lives and had the drive in them to continue onto pursuing their masters with scholarships and grants. Me…well I thought I wanted to go to grad-school but I knew it would be a waste of money if I didn’t know what I wanted to do. It was like I was a little kid all over again. One day I wanted to be the hottest journalist, topping Oprah Winfrey and Katie Couric, the next minute I wanted to be the next Angela Davis (fighting for our rights, whether it was in the court room or the streets– I was ready to be a political prisoner), then I wanted to be a teacher and rise above in administration and become somebody’s superintendent. But can I just tell you, that is exactly the reason why I decided to take a year off to figure me out. I’ve been surrounded in this world where everyone has the privilege of being in college and even graduating. It was not until my senior year that I accepted I was in college. Everyone kept telling me …”You have time, you have time” But truth is I didn’t, I needed to get out of school and find me. What my passions, goals and values truly are. And can I tell you I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and I have finally gotten to the point of accepting that it is okay!
Every job interview always asks me the generic question…”Where do you see yourself career wise in the next 5-10 years.” My first response in my head is …”I don’t know, 5-10 years ago I didn’t even see myself being here where I am standing so how can I answer that?!” But of course I answer with some sophisticated bullsh*t I come up with in my head because employers don’t want to hear that you just want to grow as a person and figure it out.
I promised myself over the summer I would travel and pursue relationships with family and friends to a different level and you know what, I did that. I got a job a couple weeks after graduation and have traveled every weekend after. I’ve been back and forth to Richmond hanging out with different people every time, rode the metro in DC for the 1st time by myself to go see friends, I had the pleasure of being in a suite at a concert with endless alcohol and food for days, I’ve been to Nashville, Tennessee by myself to watch a car show, I’ve been to Kentucky to visit my relatives I had no idea existed, I moved my best friend into her new college apartment and I’ve learned to keep up my relationships and travel by myself (whether it’s a 12hr drive or a one hour flight), I DID IT! Not to mention my graduation gift of going to the Atlantis in the islands.
I wish my friends well, as they have pursued a career they can call their own and aspire. Although I am not in school, I am learning to pay bills, responsibility, budget and say no because it is a smart financial move or take the risk because I know there is no about of money that can replace experience. I have learned that the money will come as long as you do what you love. And I am learning…. I lovvvvvveeeeee to travel but come back home, I love to speak to strangers and hear their stories, I love to connect with friends my college career hindered me from doing, I love to go to the gym by myself and just talk, meet, greet people (and of course sweat). There’s just something about a person becoming a stranger and then an acquaintance that I love. You can become anything you want to be in that moment and tell them things you may not have even told those closest to you.
My point is that in order to grow and figure you out. You have to first find what makes you happy, what pushes and motivates you and what your talents are. Now, I’d be lying if I told you my money has not been tight and I haven’t spent recklessly, but I know it’s worth it. You know why? Because the best investment I can make, until I have kids, is within myself. Because I’m lost and enjoying the wilderness I AM. They say wake up and smell the flowers and notice the little things like birds playing chase or watching the worms in the rain ….it’s the simple pleasures and sacrifices that mean the most.
If you’re in a season of being lost and you’ve been there for awhile, sit back and enjoy the view because there’s something you’re missing.
Let God show you. After-all, he is the one in the driver’s seat (you’re just the passenger.)